Oh Sophie…

I hope you find this note – I left it on the dressing table because I know you want to look pretty tonight. Rimini is a beautiful place and you’re going to have a lovely time walking around the brightly lit streets in the evening, after your meal.

I know that the holiday has been hard. You’re not very good in difficult social situations and staying with people can be a bit claustrophobic. You’ll finally get to spend some time alone with Mr Vogue Busy Beauty – as he is now – tonight. You’ll be able to laugh at the fact that your sweater was disapproved of. It’s not that serious, you know. Orange isn’t everybody’s cup of tea.

It’s been a while since you last had really good pizza. You had a good meal in Cagliari when you were on your honeymoon, maybe a couple since. I think tonight’s will end up being the one you remember for the rest of your life. I’ll give you a tip – order the pepperoni. Really. Have a few glasses of wine as well. Just enough so that you two don’t argue – there’s been enough of that lately. Whatever is the sticking point at the moment will all work itself out very soon. You won’t realise that it’s even happening at first but it is. Trust me.

You’re not very good at that, are you? You’re going to have to start taking a few leaps of faith from now on. It’s all good – think of them as developmental milestones. We all have to process change differently, of course, but you’ve been trying to protect yourself for far too long. You’re going to have to protect other people from now on. Well, other people and yourself. Don’t forget yourself, sweetheart.

That shopping you’re thinking of doing? You might want to limit it to accessories. In fact, don’t buy perfume either. You’ll find that the smell won’t be the same soon – it might actually become repellent. You should be okay with makeup, although any skin care stuff needs to be suitable for baby sensitive skin. Like I said, times are changing.

Now I need you to do something for both of us. You’re pulling the quizzical face again – it’s going to be okay. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you anymore. I’m not the same person as you are now. I’ve changed – I’m not going to mock you if you don’t understand. From now on you’re a little bit more delicate than you have been in the past.

So…look in the mirror. Look at your face. Yes – look at it. It’s prettier than you think. You’d be able to see it if you’d just stop being so hard on yourself. No, not hard – you’re actually cruel sometimes. Stop it. It’s not like people told you when you were younger. You aren’t ugly, You’re not stupid. You’re no better nor worse than anyone else. In some way we are all valuable. You have something to offer the world. Who knows what that is yet? Who cares now? You wouldn’t believe how many people didn’t get going before the age of forty and you’re only thirty five, lovely.

Forget what people said to you before. You were a smart kid and you’re a smart woman. You can get through this. You’re going to turn straight around and tell me that you already have but you haven’t. Look at all that emotional scar tissue you wear like armour. It isn’t fooling anyone but you – it’s acting like a barrier between your husband and you now. Well, sooner – not later – you’re going to have to smash through it. There’s more at stake than your pride. A lot more.

Well, to be precise, there will be by about midnight. Don’t be a worrier tonight. Enjoy the evening. Have enough to drink so that your memories have a dreamlike quality but not so much that you don’t remember what happened. I won’t be able to write another note to fill you in.

Just a couple of things to remember – wear the good underwear; don’t bother with the hot tub and enjoy yourself. Please tell a joke. Try to remind yourselves why you fell in love. You used to be a lot more fun. Well, in Rimini, there are sculptures of giant snails in the streets. Laugh at them. Go back to your hotel room laughing. Take your clothes off laughing. Look at each other in the soft lamplight and stop breathing for just a second. You’re both attractive, sexy people. Everything that you’ve been struggling with is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

You don’t have to have mind blowing sex tonight but you should have it. Do it lovingly, feel everything, giggle like a teenager if you want to. You love each other very much – you wouldn’t have spent nearly two years trying to fall pregnant if you didn’t. Afterwards spoon – I know you don’t like being cuddled but you’ll be surprised by how much you need it tonight. You might want to talk too. That’s good – the walls need to be broken down just now.

Because, when you wake up tomorrow, you will be pregnant.


28 thoughts on “Oh Sophie…

  1. I love this piece Sophie. It’s such a beautiful piece of writing and really spoke to me. Oh what I’d love to be able to tell my younger self during some pretty desperate times. X


    1. Yes. It’s funny how we can see clearly with hindsight but rarely manage to completely learn the lessons from it, though, isn’t it? I think I’m going to start thinking ‘where have I seen this situation before?’ more often!


  2. I knew what was happening, I knew how it would end and yet it still took my breath away and brought a tear to my eye! This is an utterly fantastic piece of writing!! Thank you for sharing it.


  3. I loved it too. I didn’t know how it would end, I was feeling worried about you. Wondering what had been happening in your life? Gosh life’s hard sometimes! You are so sensitive, like me. I love the tenderness and kindness you show yourself here. We all need so much more of that. I feel so happy with the ending, wonderful!

    But then due to my own experience, I know what other challenges and hard times (as well as awesome) probably followed.


  4. My goodness reading this gave me goosebumps, bad idea reading these Blogtober posts at my work desk for all to see my reaction! I can’t even put it into words. How lovely, it’s so nice to be able to get to know you a little better. I’m not sure what else to say actually, I’m pretty dumbfounded. In a good way. x


    1. Thank you. It was another one that was hard to write actually. To make them any good I find that I have to be emotional. I couldn’t think of anything to write about but then I checked my diary and it was to the day – and everything happened just like I advised!


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